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The Vocation of Those “Incapable of Marriage”

August 1, 2025

His disciples said to him, “If that is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” He answered, “Not all can accept this word, but only those to whom that is granted.” (Mt. 19:10-11)

Jesus knows that not all can accept that it is better not to marry, but He also does not expect “all” to do so. After all, God wills the human race to propagate, to be fruitful and multiply! He wills the sacrament of marriage because in no other sacrament can we understand the oneness of God—Father, Son, and Spirit—as a bond so united that it is inseparable. The three “have become one.” God loves the sacrament of marriage. It is the sacrament that gives a lay person the opportunity to love as Christ loves the Church.

So when Christ speaks of the group of people who are better off unmarried, He is also referring to those who would not end up in a successful marriage, the kind that perseveres in the inseparable oneness of love. He places this group into three categories:

Some are incapable of marriage because they were born so; some, because they were made so by others; some, because they have renounced marriage for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven. (Mt. 19:12)

Let’s work in backwards order because the last category Jesus mentions is the most obvious to understand: those who choose to “renounce marriage for the sake of the Kingdom of heaven.” This refers to priests and religious brothers and sisters.

Those “incapable of marriage . . . because they were made so by others” is a little more difficult for us modern Americans to understand. How can anyone “make” anyone else incapable of marriage? Actually, one can be made incapable of marriage for a variety of reasons. In first century Jerusalem, this category would have referred to those servants or slaves in the royal court who were castrated to make them less threatening to the king, less distracted from his service, and unable to potentially produce children through the women under the king’s charge.

And now we come to the most perplexing category that Jesus lists as incapable of marriage: those that were “born so.” Scripture does not tell us to whom specifically Jesus is referring, but we can imagine who He might refer to were He to speak these words to us now.

Suffice it to say there is a contingent of people—large enough to deserve their own category—who are not drawn or called to marriage simply because of their own nature. Now here is where what Jesus has to say on this subject gets interesting. He does not say, “If by nature you don’t feel drawn to marriage with someone of the opposite sex, then do what your nature would have you do.” No. He says if you were “born so,” then that is your call to be chaste!

Jesus’ solution is at the same time both freeing and . . . difficult to accept. It is freeing because whereas the world assaults ones such as these with a battery of confusing messages, Jesus offers the clear answer as to what such souls are to do in their struggle. But it is also difficult to accept for obvious reasons: ones such as these perhaps know that they are not called to marriage, but this does not mean that they do not desire the intimacy of love. Jesus understands this pain and this difficulty. And so He says to us:

Whoever can accept this ought to accept it. (Mt. 19:12)

Implied here is that Jesus knows there are those who have not accepted His teaching on this subject. Does this mean that those who have not accepted it are condemned? Well, that is not what Jesus says here. He does not say, “Whoever has not accepted this is condemned.” It appears that on this subject, Jesus has mercy.

So what does Jesus ask of the ones whose nature is not inclined to marriage, but who also have not accepted His teaching on chastity? He asks them to work towards it. He asks them to try. What they have not accepted to this point, they can come to learn to accept in time.

In such a case, what would working “towards it” look like? For the ones whose nature it is not to marry, to “work towards” fulfilling Jesus’ command would simply mean to start by recognizing their utter inability to fulfill what Jesus asks of them on their own, and to acknowledge their need for His grace. It would mean to persevere in praying, to ask for help, and to stay close to Jesus and the sacraments. This is the universal call to holiness, and it applies to all of us, regardless of vocation or orientation.

Let’s remember, Jesus refers to this specific group of people incapable of marriage as “born so.” That is to say, in whatever way God created them, their life is a gift. How could such a heavy cross be construed as a gift? Because its purpose is to draw that soul closer to Christ.

Can we even imagine how holy a soul is the one who perseveres in working towards acceptance of Christ’s teachings? Such souls need our mercy, our encouragement, and our love, not our judgment and condemnation. Even for the ones who are “not there yet,” we must look past their weaknesses and the transgressions which they commit now, and see in them the saint they have the potential to become. Jesus is relying on us to see His mission through.

To “look past” does not mean to pretend, to ignore, to condone, or to agree. It simply means that we do not define who a person is by what they struggle with now. It is God who allows the struggles in our lives, not to destroy us but to help us grow. The best thing we can do for others in their struggles, then, is to trust on their behalf and to offer them Christ’s healing peace.

Now, perhaps some of those who struggle are thinking, “Easy for happily married people to say.” But let’s make no mistake: of the one in two marriages in this country that manage to avoid divorce, the reason for their success has nothing to do with constant feelings of euphoria. It is due to the willing and loving sacrifice that they have learned to make of themselves, both continually and exhaustively. Sacrifice is the secret to success in whatever vocation the Lord calls us to. There is no other way.