Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord… (Eph. 5:21-33)
Scarcely is there a more controversial and highly contested scriptural passage than the one Paul has penned in his letter to the Ephesians. Two thousand years ago, of course, it was no cause for controversy at all; the women of ancient Israel accepted their “place,” and a good wife was expected to stay there. But this is twenty-first century America. The land of the “free.” Subordinance? As far as the women’s movement is concerned, that word is synonymous with “oppression.”
Of course, Paul’s message is with regard to setting all people—including women—free. He speaks here of living in the freedom of Christ’s love. So let’s examine more closely what Paul is saying to us, because even though he is writing to a first-century culture which understood and accepted certain societal norms for women, Scripture is “living and effective” (Heb. 4:12) and therefore has something to say to us now, though we do not live with the same societal norms as those of ancient Israel.
So how are we to understand the subordination of wives to their husbands in our modern culture today?
For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the Church.
There are many ways for a wife to be subordinate to her husband, but Paul’s instruction has nothing to do with whether she stays home from work to raise the kids and cook and clean. So too is the husband “head” of his wife, not by virtue of his paycheck or property rights, but by one condition alone: the love that he has for his spouse.
Husbands, love your wives…as Christ loved the Church.
Now the way in which a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the Church has already been explored by Scripture scholars; that is, he must love her to the point of being willing to die for her. Thus, scholars argue, what wife would not want to “submit” to such a mission? The thing is, this is easy to say if one happens to be the husband. But there is something in that logic that seems to take away the wife’s freedom to choose whether she wants to submit.
When Paul instructs wives to “be subordinate to their husbands in everything,” does this include the times in which their husbands are making poor decisions? Especially when it comes to decisions about their children?
Each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband.
Ah. So the subordinance a wife must give to her husband means nothing more than that she respect him. Now maybe some wives might think, “Well, sure, I respect my husband. I just don’t agree with all his decisions.” But let’s understand: to respect, in the Christian sense, goes beyond simply valuing and having high regard for. To respect one’s spouse is to trust him. The kind of trust a wife places in her husband is not just trust in his financial savvy or home renovation skills. (He might very well be terrible at both.) A wife places trust in her husband’s God-given mission as head of their sacramental marriage.
But what if the husband does not want this responsibility? What if he is perfectly content with his wife taking the lead? Are we not progressive enough in twenty-first century society to allow for a case such as this? While it is perfectly acceptable for a husband to take responsibility for raising the children while his wife earns the paycheck, and perfectly acceptable for him to take responsibility for the household chores, and perfectly acceptable for the couple to decide that the wife will manage the family finances…spiritually speaking, the husband is and always will be the head of their sacramental vocation.
Now, if this seems a little archaic or unfair, let’s understand: when God commands us to live a certain way, it is because He really does know best. He sees from a perspective which we cannot, which is the perspective of eternity. Being the spiritual leader in a marriage does not mean that a husband necessarily prays more often than does his wife, is more attentive at Mass, or reads Scripture more faithfully. In fact, very often it is the wife who is much more disciplined in these spiritual practices. But if the husband is the spiritual “head” of their marriage, but he does not pray, read Scripture, or go to daily Mass nearly as often as his wife does, what qualifies him as her head?
His love. The husband’s love for his wife is his only duty required as head of the marriage, and so he must strive each day to cherish it, cultivate it, and be willing to die for it—just as Christ died for His Church.
Why would Paul not suggest more spiritual practices for the spiritual head of a marriage, such as reciting the Torah more often, or attending services at the synagogue more faithfully? Well, St. Paul tells us that an interesting thing happens as husbands strive more and more to love their wives:
Husbands, love your wives…that she might be holy.
As the husband makes it his mission in life to love his wife more and more, she becomes more and more holy! If we see daily Mass filled mostly with wives, we can be sure that we have some husbands to thank. Of course, not every wife who attends daily Mass has been loved by her husband in a Christ-like, sacrificial way, and not every wife loved in such a way chooses to devote herself to God. Nevertheless, the instructions that come to married couples from God through St. Paul’s words are no less true: if a husband seeks holiness for his wife, then the best way to lead her to sanctification is to do nothing more than to love her.
Now while these instructions may be incredibly simple, there is nothing “easy” about them. St. Paul tells us there is just one obstacle wives place in their husband’s mission to love them sacrificially, just one thing they sometimes fail to do, and it is the only duty required of them in their own mission to “be subordinate to their husbands in everything”:
The wife should respect her husband.
And so, we are reminded of the only condition that must be met by a wife in order to be subordinate to her husband’s mission to love her: she must simply strive, each day, to respect her spouse, which is nothing more than to trust in his God-given duty as leader of their marriage. Agreeing on every matter will be impossible; obedience to his every direction will be a close second. But respect? That is something a wife can eagerly strive for each day. Why? Because just as his love makes her holy, so too does her respect make him grow in his ability to lead their marriage according to the will of God.
Author’s Note: Excerpt from: The Safe Haven: Scriptural Reflections for the Heart and Home (Ordinary Time Weeks 29-34). To purchase, visit Amazon or The Catholic Company, where all other volumes currently in print are also available.
Photo by Scott Broome on Unsplash
