The first question we must ask ourselves before diving into this topic is: Do we want to marry for life? In the twenty-first century that’s a tall order. How can we be sure that the person we’re dating is someone with whom we will be able to persevere throughout a lifetime? And how important is that whole perseverance thing?
Well, for a Catholic—indeed for any Christian—it’s extremely important. Jesus said, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her” (Mk. 10:11). Even in the Old Testament we find: “I hate divorce, says the LORD, the God of Israel . . .” (Mal. 2:16). So if you believe in Scripture, getting married is a lot more serious than asking a woman to a dance.
To have a lasting marriage, you must be very smart about dating. The first step in seeking a good spouse is to pray—and not just an Our Father, Hail Mary, and a Glory Be. I recommend praying the Rosary and attending some weekday Masses (in addition to Sunday Mass) dedicated specifically for this intention.
When I was a senior in college, I met a lovely young woman from California who I thought could be “The One.” Beautiful, bright, with a good disposition. She was Catholic but didn’t often go to Sunday Mass and was into marijuana. I prayed like crazy and attended several extra Masses a week. “Lord, guide me in this courtship. If this is ‘The One’ please show me your will. If not, please break us up. And please tell me soon.” He answered that prayer. She broke up with me.
Alas, I was of the mindset that because she was beautiful and I liked her, we could be a good match. The issues of premarital chastity, birth control, and number of children never crossed my mind. I had a lot to learn.
John Van Epp, author of How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, writes that sharing the same values is extremely important in courtship. He also said that after a good number of years of marriage a person often treats his spouse the same way he treated his siblings. So it’s very worth asking, how does he treat his siblings?
To have a chance at a lasting marriage, you also must consider if you are a good candidate. You must ask yourself: Do I have an anger problem? If so, you should do all in your power to overcome it, including getting counseling if necessary (see my book, Overcoming Sinful Anger). I’ve seen a number of marriages that otherwise looked great fail because one or both spouses had anger issues. Anger is poison for marriage because it stems from pride. Humility is an essential virtue for a successful marriage, which begins with a vow to die to yourself and place the needs of another ahead of your own until death do you part.
Another powerful tip to build a successful marriage is: pray together every day. A 1997 Gallup Poll found that couples who spent time praying together regularly had a divorce rate of one in 1,152. Good insurance policy—the best!
Additionally, relationship expert John Gottman says that you need to discuss serious differences even if it causes some anger. And if it does, you need to have five positive interactions (a hug, a kind word, a warm smile, etc.) to counter each negative.
My favorite marriage article described three activities Pete McFadden practiced with his wife to keep their marriage from stagnating. First, when they greet each other at the end of the day, they dance. Second, each morning they spend two minutes sharing that day’s schedule. And third, they spend time before retiring thanking each other for what they did for them during the day. Brilliant.
Affection is so important in a marriage. Hugs, gentle touches, reaching for a hand can do wonders. It seems that affection is nowadays seen as just a prelude to sex. A group of devout young wives told me that when their husbands get affectionate, they push them off if they’re not ready for sex. What an impoverishment! Marital affection should be a language of love by itself, without any intention for sexual intimacy. And studies have shown that hugs lasting 20 seconds or more produce oxytocin, lower blood pressure, and reduced cortisol in the woman. Men have told me they have experienced benefits as well.
There is a lot riding on having your marriage last. But it won’t happen without some effort.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on Catholic-Link.org. You can find that article here. [INSERT LINK]
Photo by Junior REIS on Unsplash
