As parents raise children, they embark upon a road that begins with the children being utterly dependent on them for their very lives. Over the years, most children mature to a point where they are eager to make their own decisions and take care of themselves. As they become young adults a turning point in the relationship occurs. The transition can move us into a wonderful phase of life, but it can also be a spot that trips us up, leading to a troubled relationship, or even estrangement. The grace of detachment, or the freedom to love God and His will above all else, can aid us with our strongest attachments: to our children.
One would think that by the time a child hits the age of maturity parents would be adept at adjusting their expectations, releasing control, and trusting God has a plan for their children. One would think. But these are our children we are talking about! Nothing in this life is invested with more love, prayer, angst, joy, blood, sweat, and tears than our beloved children. Gradually letting go may sound like the normal course of events, but it often goes against a parent’s very nature. Add into this the dangers inherent in the adult world, and you have a recipe for holding on with a death-like grip.
From Fear to Trust
Which brings us back to God’s genius in designing childhood as a process of letting go little-by-little from the time of our babies’ first steps. They toddle, they fall, they sometimes cry, but we encourage and cheer as they get up and try again. We must let go, risk their falls, and trust they will survive to toddle onward.
Over the course of their lives, the stakes go up, and the temptation to fear increases. Hidden within each temptation to fear and clutch more tightly, God is giving an opportunity to increase our trust in Him. Rather than react to a fearful situation, we are invited to respond with faith, discerning what age-appropriate amount of letting-go is called for, side by side with the age-appropriate amount of careful parenting.
Who do we believe is in control of our children’s lives? Who wants the best for them? We know in our minds that the answer is: God. God wants the best for them, knows them and loves them more than we ourselves do. Our task is to fashion our responses according to our faith in God, rather than our fear of the world.
Nowhere along the parenting journey is letting go more difficult than when our children become young adults. At this point our authority has dramatically decreased, but our influence is still felt. Our young adults desire to make their own way but also need to be able to look over their shoulders and see that we are still there for them.
Our hope is that the seeds we have planted of a sacramental life, a community of character, solid scholastic studies, and much love and secure family attachment, will bear the fruit in young souls ready to make lives of faithfulness their own.
Certainly, there are many young adults who do follow their faith through the transitional years into their own vocations and lives. But it is the experience of many families that this is a time of deep sorrow as we watch a beloved child, or children, walk away from their faith and into a life far from the values we sought to instill.
The thing is, every toddle and plop, every note sent home from the principal, every family rule broken was preparation for this time. The Holy Spirit is always preparing us for what is next. If we have been consistently doing our best to parent, to guide and let go, to teach and to keep silence, to make mistakes and to apologize for making them, then we are prepared for this challenging time too.
A Reason for this Season
Not only are we prepared, but the detachment of parenting young adults itself prepares us for greater union with God. As our physical faculties lessen, as the appeal of a life of the senses dwindles, we enter an especially graced time to say “yes” to the Lord and let go of much in our lives. The challenging prospect of detaching from control of our young adult children’s lives is the perfect vehicle to aid in this dawn of an era of deeper spirituality for many parents.
In the season of confusion when our children’s lives are not going as we thought they would, hoped they would, prayed they would, detachment is a gift. Yes, it is an effort and a discipline, but one that can allow peace into our hearts, displacing confusion and worry. On the contrary, should we continue to attempt to control that which is no longer under our authority, we are doubting God’s grace and failing to grow in the great, liberating virtue of trust.
Thankfully, this is not a “one-and-done” grace point. If we are feeling this pain and confusion in our families, there will be more opportunities to practice detachment and trust. Child-releasing, like child-rearing, is a gradual process with much room for small steps, apologies for errors, and renewed grace to keep trying. Our relationships with our adult children are going to change whether we like it or not. These relationships have the best chance at maturation and health if we give our children the room they need to find their way, trusting that God wants their salvation even more than we do.
Detached, not Unloving
Detachment in our relationships with our young adult children is not the same as not loving them. In Spiritual Freedom, Fr. John J. English, SJ writes:
I do not mean that we should be . . . unfeeling, unresponsive persons. Rather, I am speaking of . . . being solely oriented to Jesus Christ . . . this freedom is often accompanied by the strength to do God’s will.
This kind of indifference is exemplified in the attitude of the Virgin Mary, “let it be with me according to your word” (Lk. 1:38); the attitude that John the Baptist expressed in his words, “He must increase, but I must decrease” (Jn. 3:30).
(Detachment) belongs to the difficult realm of grace, responsibility and freedom. It is hard to understand this mystery in which we are free and responsible, while at the same time God is controlling everything.
This season of deep detachment opens us up to deeper union with God. Setting aside worldly desires, even the seemingly good desire to be firmly attached to our adult children, allows God in as never before. As we release our adult children, we prepare the space in our souls for God. This deeper union is the strongest witness we can give to our children, at a time when they may not be open to any other form of teaching from us.
Surrender is a kind of freedom that flows from trust. – Fr. John English, SJ
Stay the Course
None of these interior changes addresses the decisions that will need to be made regarding the choices our young adults make. The Holy Spirit has prepared us for those too. Stay the course. Nothing we believe and have taught our children has changed. Our faith is still our faith whether our young adult children are choosing to follow it or not. Detachment is simply about the realization that our time of forming our children has largely passed. Their free will is theirs. This free will replaces our authority. We no longer have recourse to the methods once appropriate to their rearing, but we still have recourse to God. Our prayers, like St. Monica’s and countless mothers and fathers through the ages, can do more than our misguided attempts to control ever could.
Our ever-deepening faith silently speaks to them. Our undying love gives them a quiet understanding of the truth that God is Love. Our prayers keep us all in the stream of grace, the Communion of Saints, the life of the Church. God will have the victory in our children’s eternal souls, whether we live to see it or not.
Being a parent of young adults is often a crucible. But prayerfully, it will be a crucible that forms both us and them into the saints we are called to be.
Lord, help! We need to let go of our beloved children who are not children anymore. We know and believe that the grace is there to do this and that you have prepared us for this time. Help us to love our young adults with a pure, detached love centered on You alone. May we cooperate with the graces you give and be transformed by ever deepening union with You, trusting that you will take care of our no-longer-children, now and forever. Amen.
Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash
