A woman once told me, “I don’t love my husband anymore.”
I asked her, “Are you concerned for his good?”
“Yes,” she answered.
“Then you love him.”
“That’s the love you vowed when you married him. That’s the same kind of love we need to be saved. The Greek word for it is agape,” I explained. “It sounds like you don’t like him. You don’t have to like your husband. But if you work hard for his good and try to make him happy as best you can, he just might become more likable. However, that shouldn’t be your primary motive. Your first motive should be to fulfill the vow you made before God to pursue his good.”
“I never thought of it that way. I can try to pursue that.”
“And if you make a habit out of that, it won’t be so difficult. If you are good to your husband for your sake, it may not work. If you are good to your husband for God’s sake, He will reward you even if your husband does not.”
Many times, when people marry, they expect that the initial strong attraction will last and last. They implicitly believe that the “eros” they experienced on the wedding day will continue. (Eros, as Plato taught, is the desire for the good, the beautiful, and the true in the beloved.) It often does not. But there are practices we can exercise to keep the bond strong.
First, praise your spouse several times a day: two praises for every criticism.
Thank your spouse a lot.
Another thing recommended by most marriage counselors is to go on dates regularly. The average couple spends between 27 and 37 minutes a week talking to each other. (Some studies say even less than that!) Relationship expert John Gottman recommends couples spend six hours each week communicating with each other. Here’s how he breaks down that time:
- Two minutes each workday, before parting, telling each other what your day will be like. (10 minutes per work week.)
- Twenty minutes a day when you come together at the end of each workday, beginning with a sign of affection. I recommend at least a five-second hug. Hugs are a great sign of solidarity, of intimacy. (Less than 2 hours per work week.)
- Five minutes a day for admiration or appreciation. Examples: “Thank you a ton for doing the dishes last night when I was so tired,” or “I admire your honesty.” (35 minutes per week.)
- Five minutes for pre-slumber affection. Yes, more affection. A hug (these are so important), a gentle, tender kiss, “my wonderful wife/husband,” or similar words. Affection is so-o-o important! (35 minutes per week.)
- Two hours weekly for a date night. This could be at home on the sofa with feet up, a bottle of wine, some fancy bread, and a candle lit. Or it could be out for a walk, or in a restaurant for dessert or dinner. Minimum bi-weekly.
Think back on your courtship. Wasn’t it nice to prepare yourself and go out with your sweetheart, just the two of you? I know sometimes the husband will say, “We don’t need that. We live together.” But virtually every marriage counselor says, “you do need that!” When a couple is courting, we have to beg them to date less. When they’re married, we have to ask them to date more!
- “State of the Union talk” one hour weekly. Time to build intimacy and resolve conflicts in a relaxed atmosphere. For example, “I am sorry I snapped at you Wednesday,” or “Thank you so much for putting gas in my car,” or “I felt sad when my mother was rude to you,” or “Is there something I can do this week to make things better for you?”
If your spouse says something you don’t like or you don’t agree with, this is not the time to have a fight. You might say, “I think you know how I feel about that,” or “You know I think we should get Timmy some counseling, but if you don’t want it, I will go along with you.”
You don’t find a good spouse. You build one.
It’s pretty hard to do that if you spend just 37 minutes a week communicating.
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
