Young Catholic men discuss the state of dating and relationships today – Catholic World Report

As a married Gen-Xer, with kids, who’s been out of the dating world for almost two decades, I wanted to get some insight into how young men are faring in meeting a potential mate. Healthy Catholic marriages that are open to life are important, of course, and I think the topic of issues faced by young men in dating deserves more attention. I also, as a father, wanted some perspective and insights about my own kids entering the dating world in the next decade and the challenges they may face.

I recently spoke with seven faithful Catholic men, ranging in age from early twenties to mid-thirties, on the state of dating. My questions posed to them ranged from the challenges they are facing in meeting women to the role of technology for Gen Z, what young Catholic men are looking for in a potential spouse, and how their faith informs how they think of marriage and what they expect in matrimony.

Chastity

David, a 23-year-old senior at Christendom College in Front Royal, Virginia, made an interesting observation. He noted that there is an intentional focus on chastity in relationships at Christendom. David mentioned that “while the women may be more open to innocent physical affection, the guys are more worried about it in terms of what it can lead to, both physically and in terms of a premature emotional connection.”

He seems to have a mature understanding of the differences between men and women and how they physically interact in a dating relationship, stressing that the boundaries men set are for their own benefit, as well as for those they are dating.

Charles, a 22-year-old expediter working in shipping logistics and who is engaged, agrees. “Plenty of people make lapses,” he says, “but guys and girls are aware of chastity, and it’s important to them. The emotional attachment goes hand in hand with the physical part. As your mentality switches to that, you become more attracted to them, and it becomes harder to keep a clear head.”

Sean, an engaged 26-year-old software engineer living in Virginia and a graduate of Virginia Tech, stresses that the most important thing is being on the same page.

“Chastity helps us focus on love for the other person,” he reflects, “rather than self-gratification. Talking about boundaries, at first implicitly and later [in the relationship] more explicitly, is an important part of communication.”

Technology

The role of technology is a topic that I was interested in talking about with these young men. How do young people meet today? Does technology help? Or is technology a problem?

Charles mentioned that it is a temptation to engage too much with technology, saying that “a lot of my friends are striving for virtue, doing things like Exodus 90 and trying to break those habits. But then there were guys who would sit in their dorm room with their computers or doomscrolling and not striving against it.”

Dan notes that “my parents didn’t let me have a smart device until I was fourteen; I can tell there is a big difference pre- and post-smart devices with regards to being ‘in the moment.’ It’s far easier to have a conversation with someone or do something social, playing a game or using my imagination without the devices. The phones make it easier to waste time and take the place of good leisure time.”

I was pleasantly surprised to hear that in his experience, people his age are still going to a bar once or twice a week, doing karaoke, sometimes playing pranks on each other, rather than just being on their phones all the time.

Although some of the young men are using or have used dating apps, most want to make connections “in real life” as well.

James, a 26-year-old environmental scientist in Delaware, said, “I’m much more of a talker than a texter. I’ve been off and on Catholic Match, Hinge, Sacred (and other dating apps), though nothing has come of those. We have such a need for constant interaction and validation and dopamine hits. It’s a burden.”

He also mentioned that it can be difficult to meet “the right people at the right place,” because in some spaces (such as at Mass or Adoration), “it can be awkward to approach someone in that environment, because some people might just want to pray or be left alone.”

Nonetheless, he “made a resolution for the year to approach people, reach out more, and invite them to things like our young adult group.”

Peter, an engaged Marketing Associate in his mid-twenties and living in Virginia, noted, however, that the era of technology can make people wary of unsolicited approaches.

“It’s awkward to just go up to someone and just start talking to them,” he remarks. “People are operating from a position of distrust.”

He notes that “you either meet someone online first or meet them in college or through mutual friends. Approaching someone at a bar, for instance, is just not that common anymore today.”

He also mentioned that choosing a faithful Catholic college can be a big help in meeting a future spouse. “A big part of why I chose the college I did was to make great friendships that may introduce you to the person you may end up marrying. Otherwise, it can be difficult finding people with the proper intentions for dating.”

Sean met his fiancé on the dating app Hinge, although he noted that such apps “can burn people out with how much attention and effort it takes.”

He also mentioned that “ghosting” (not responding to outreach when one is not interested) can be an issue. “It’s weird. There seems to be this lack of basic etiquette and an unwillingness to put in effort. A good friend of mine went out on a date with a good Catholic guy, then he just never responded to follow up. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth.”

Frustrations and red flags

Another thing that I learned in speaking with these young men was that the narrative that men want to “play the field” and are reticent to get married does not track with their experience.

“My (now) fiancé was my first girlfriend,” Charles noted. “Guys [who] I know were ready for marriage, wanted to start working and start a family, but sometimes the girls would be a little less ready or wanted to focus on their careers with the idea that they needed to have something for themselves as well. My fiancé had a previous relationship for two years, and it was a tough breakup for her because her trust was misplaced. She figured, ‘I need to fend for myself because I can’t count on a guy to support me’.”

Grafton concurred. “It seems that with young men today, we’re the ones who are fixated on getting married and starting a family. It’s inverted.”

Communication skills seem to be important to the men I interviewed. If the women they were dating had a close relationship with their family, that was a plus as well. Charles mentioned that if women weren’t interested in having children or a family, or were indifferent to babies, this might be a red flag.

Modesty was also important to the young men I spoke with. “Cussing, using bad language…indicates a baseness of character,” Grafton noted.

“A lot of Catholic women I’m friends with,” says James, “struggle to reconcile the past and have a lot of anxiety. Many fear there is this hopelessness in the future, no reason to do things, or are afraid to bring children into the world. I prefer hope.”

Logan, a 36-year-old from Delaware who works in finance, echoed James’ sentiments. “Many of the women I have met are absolutely riddled with anxiety. I think they’re trying to live in two different worlds: one where they’re trying to be a good Catholic, and another where they’re way too focused on a career that they are miserable in. That and trying to be in control of everything.”

He noted that many women today are being pulled in two directions. “They are in this position that they feel is too much for them, which taints their day-to-day, but at the same time, they don’t know what they want. It seems like they are chasing this ghost of a ‘career woman’.”

Peter’s requirements for dating were relatively straightforward. The red flags to avoid were a woman “not devoted to her faith, not showing signs of being a good spouse, being more career-focused than family-focused. And obviously, she should be a good practicing Catholic.”

Discernment

I was pleasantly surprised by how intentional these young men were in the process of discernment for marriage.

Three were in Pre-Cana marriage prep and found it extremely helpful in taking a sober look at committing oneself to another person for life. They wanted to be good husbands and fathers, and chastity was important in that process because staying chaste meant that it didn’t cloud their judgment as much or lead to premature emotional bonding.

Logan mentioned that “If a woman does those kinds of [traditional] things, I find that attractive. It’s not a necessity, but it is hard to find a woman who can cook, who cleans, you know just basic stuff you are kind of looking for in a potential mate. The guys I know would be happy to give up those things (cooking, cleaning, etc) that they’ve learned to do and are doing out of necessity and instead focus on providing.”

A few said that being able to laugh and joke around with one another was an important quality they were looking for as well. And almost all said they wanted to share the Faith with a potential mate.

“I’m looking for someone who shares my values and faith, comes from good people, and inspires me to be a better man,” says Grafton.

Hope for the future

It can be easy for people of my generation and older to be critical of perceived deficiencies in Gen Z when it comes to how they interact, their communication skills, and their values.

But my hope for the future was buoyed by talking with these young men. There are plenty of admirable qualities they possess that indicate that they want the true, the noble, the good in their faith lives. These men want to live that out with a woman who shares those beliefs and are willing to put the work in now to prepare themselves for the married state.

While their generation faces some unique challenges, many of the problems are the same as those in my generation: meeting the right person, finding the right fit, having an attraction to one another, and sharing a common faith.

When I asked for suggestions that they may have for their sisters in Christ for their dating journeys, James said, “Be patient, be intentional. Be open to failure and working on things. Don’t let everything be so black and white and be intentional in communication.”

Charles said, “Don’t just settle for the first guy to come along, or feel pressure with the first person you meet to date them. Don’t rush the Lord’s timing.”

Grafted noted, “Smile more.” And David warned to “be open to being led, but be cautious who you are letting yourself be led by.”

Peter noted, “Date intentionally, having a list of things you look for in a guy. It’s okay to have friends who are guys, especially if a woman didn’t have brothers growing up. It gets you familiar with how guys think.”

And Sean advised, “Don’t be discouraged if you don’t find a guy who isn’t the right fit right away. Keep praying for your future spouse.”