With upwards of a third of Catholics having experienced divorce—and around 9-15% currently going through divorce at any given time—chances are you will run into a divorced Catholic. In fact, you’re running into one now, as I myself am one of them.
There is a lot of discourse on divorce within the Church today, but so much of it exists on the “culture war” plane, either defending or dissenting from Church teaching. Important as these discussions are, divorced Catholics themselves often get lost in the tussle, becoming mere tokens in an ideological back and forth.
I have often wished discussion focused on actually engaging with divorced Catholics themselves—listening to their concerns, helping them feel integrated into their parishes, or helping them in difficult times. In other words, refocusing our attention on the human element. This is desperately needed. You wouldn’t believe the boorish, insensitive, and just plain rude things other Catholics often say to me with a straight face, completely oblivious of how inconsiderate they sound.
Having been divorced now for the better part of a decade, I wanted to share some insights I have gained over that time about the status of divorcees within the Catholic Church and things divorced Catholics probably wish you’d understand.
1. It Is None of Your Business What Happened
Unless you are family or very close friends with someone going through divorce, what exactly happened is simply none of your business. I am astonished how often I will casually mention my status in conversation and some total stranger will ask, “So why’d you get divorced?” I generally explain that it’s a very private matter I only discuss with close friends or family, and that usually settles it; but sometimes they get indignant and say, “Well you brought it up, so I can ask!” No. Just because someone mentions they are divorced does not give you an invitation to prod into the details of what was surely one of the messiest events in that person’s life. Have a sense of propriety about the personal—and often embarrassing—nature of divorce and refrain from prying into details. If a person wants to share with you, trust me, they will.
2. Don’t Lecture Us About “Taking the Easy Way Out”
One thing that drives me nuts is hearing people who have never been through divorce say that divorcees took “the easy way out.” It is difficult to see in what sense divorce is “easy.” Psychology ranks divorce among one of the most stressful life events a person can experience, right up there with death of a loved one and terminal illness. The legal process is anything but easy to navigate and often results in financial ruin for both parties—not to mention the social stigma that comes with being a divorced Catholic!
When people say this, I wonder if perhaps they are thinking of Hollywood divorces, where multi-millionaires seem to marry recklessly and divorce with ease, with a few million dollars and pieces of property exchanging hands before they rinse and repeat (this is why G.K. Chesterton said divorce was more prevalent among the wealthy, as they have the resources to insulate themselves from its worst effects). I can assure you, though, that the “Hollywood divorce” is not the experience of most people.
For a partner who initiates divorce, the decision is generally undertaken as an absolute last resort after years—sometimes decades—of suffering and anguished soul searching; for partners left by their spouse, divorce constitutes a double-whammy, as they have to grapple with the grief of being left while simultaneously navigating the legal process.
Divorce is not an “easy way” compared to the “hard way” of working it out and staying together; it is just another “hard way”—perhaps the hardest way—and it is fully possible to affirm the Church’s teaching on divorce while still recognizing the immense challenges it poses to those involved.
3. We Do Not Want To Be an Object of Constant Pity
Divorce is always a tragic thing. But that does not mean we want to always be the objects of pity! For many divorced people, marriage was a gauntlet filled with non-stop physical and verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, financial irresponsibility, and crippling isolation—sometimes lasting decades—which was all likely endured in dignified silence. The suffering of a bad marriage is compounded by the long and nightmarishly stressful legal process involved in divorce. For people who have been through this, the conclusion of a divorce generally brings a sense of relief. Even if we are sad about the loss of the marriage, we are glad the horrific process is over.
When I was first divorced, all my acquaintances were continually offering condolences, telling me how sorry they were, and treating me with pity. The night my divorce was finalized, I remember I went out for a drink and a stranger asked me how things were going. I told him my divorce had been finalized that very day. Without missing a beat, he raised his glass and said, “Congratulations!” I was a little taken aback; nobody had given me that response before. He said, “Divorce is one of the hardest things that can happen to a person. But it’s over and you got through it, so that deserves congratulations.” It was refreshing to have someone empathize in that manner.
4. Supporting Us Does Not Mean You Support Divorce
When I was first divorced, I was shocked how quickly my social group evaporated. My married friends stopped hanging out with me (or I was invited only to hang out with the husband alone, never the couple). Invitations to weddings and parties dried up. Even my kids stopped getting calls for play dates. Whenever a woman in the parish gave birth, parishioners lined up to bring her family pre-prepared meals for weeks to help her out. Nobody brought me a meal, despite the fact that I was going through the hardest struggle of my life while working and taking care of five kids part time—heck, nobody checked in with me to see if I even needed meals. I was in need of companionship, company, and support, and all I got was crickets.
There was no overt ostracism or judgment, but I did experience a strong sense of exclusion, as if I had a contagious infection. Ironically, those who were most supportive of me during that time were my secular friends.
I don’t believe my Catholic acquaintances intentionally shunned me. Most, I think, simply felt awkward about the situation and therefore kept their distance (people will do anything to avoid social awkwardness, after all). Others may have worried that supporting me could give the impression they were supporting divorce and preferred to keep their distance.
My friends, please realize that you can give support and comfort to a divorced person without supporting divorce itself—and Lord knows we need your support and friendship! We all understand this in the case of abortion; Catholics realize that supporting the needs of women who are recovering from abortion is an integral aspect of pro-life work. But when it comes to divorce, Catholics can be hesitant to offer support to those in the thick of it lest their support be misconstrued. I wish this would change. We need a kind shoulder in those dark hours.
5. Yes, We Already Know About the Kids
“Do you know how divorce affects kids?” My brother in Christ, yes, we are well aware of the impact divorce can have on children. We are the ones going through it; don’t you think we have read scores of articles, talked to therapists, and stayed up at night agonizing about it for months?
As mentioned above, divorce is one of the most stressful things a person can go through, and if there are kids involved, we have spent more time than you can possibly imagine worrying about this. When you make comments like “What about the kids?” or “Have you thought about this or that?” you are backhandedly insulting us by implying that we’ve given little thought to the most important people and event in our lives.
If we are going through a divorce and you’ve never been, trust me, there is nothing you can say we have not already thought about a hundred times. Instead, why not ask something like, “Is there anything I can do for you and the kids?” That would be infinitely more helpful.
Have Some Empathy
All this is just a long-winded manner of saying, have some empathy. If we are going through a divorce, we’re having a real hard time—regardless of who is at fault, who is the leaver and who is the left, what the particular arrangements are, etc. We need compassion and friendship, not distance and nosy questioning. Every person must grapple with their respective crosses, and for those who have the cross of divorce (many of whom have not chosen it, I might add), all we really want is for you to put yourself in our shoes before you speak.
Photo by Lucas T Photography on Unsplash
